Totally in love? You lucky! But how do you know this woman or man is there to stay? Check out the next 5 questions.
The idea of a new relation is that he or she really is it. The one and only that makes you forget every other beauty. Caitlin Moran wrights in her book How to be a woman that 1 of the big dramas in a woman’s live is the thought never to be loved and wanted. So a relationship is your ticket to something beautifull and hopefull. A new love Releases you from the duty to doubt if someone thinks you are worthwhile. It takes away a lot of questions. And the amount of endorfine you daily receive during the first three months, take away all the sharp edges of life. No wonder you don’t notice the signals that he or she may not be the onefor you. The desire to bond with someone pushes away every rational thought. That is a shame, because you could have saved yourself a lot of pain, if you had noticed the signals earlier.
Use the following 5 questions as a checklist. Look at them when you start the reationship, and again when the first cloud of happiness is over.
Are you on the rebound?
A rebound is a relationship which very soon follows after the previous, and which gives you what you are missing: sex, two loving arms, self-convidence, attention. Most books on the subject, psychologists and even your own friends warn you about a rebound-relationship. Because whatever this relationship brings you, it are egocentric extra’s. You started something with the other person because you wanted to feel good again. Just get some sex and attention. The fire in you lights up fast, but is soon burned out. A rebound-relationship is all about passion and commitment, but there is usually too little intimacy.
Point of view: a rebound is first of all a quick fix. Only when it really gets to intimacy it could grow into a real relationship.
Does he or she change for you?
He/she says: “I don’t want to live together” You explain this your own way, as for example: he/she has a fear of binding, because of a bad yooth. But together you will work this out.. The defensif signals do not fit into your plans to be happy and together for the rest of your life with him or her. You know you can’t change the other person, so you won’t even try. You pretend to be ok with his or her wishes. But deep down inside you think; perhaps he or she just needs some time and am I the one with whom he or she wants a home and children.
You would be wise to look through your love-hormons and realize you are not no 1 and you will never be.
Point of view: step away from the vehicle. This man or woman possibly will change but this change will not happen within your relation.
Most of the time you are doing what the other person wants. What to do now?
Many women practice with a new love a slow reveal. They don’t express their own feelings. But you adjust to the wishes of the other person. Every sunday you stand watching a soccer-game, although you hate soccer. Or you say yes to every proposal the other does.
Sex is a good example of a slow reveal. At first you do everything to impress the other. You are open to everything. But is this really what you want? You will know that when the first fase of being in love is over.
Point of view: there is nothing wrong in going along with your passion, but never cross your own borders. You will regret it later.
Do you only fall for his/her status?
The secretary and her boss, the actrice and the actor, the barmaid and the owner of the bar. Status has an irresistible attraction to many people. It gives a mighty feeling when your lover, who probably can get everyone in his/her bed, wants you. But is there a balance in this relationship?
People have a certain idea, how a relationship should look like and who would be their ideal partner. It doesn’t matter if you fall for status, but if it is just that, it is a very superficial relatonship. You also have to learn to bond with the rest of this person.
Point of view: if the realionship doesn’t get more dept after the first shot of endorfine, you indeed only fell for his/her status.
Do have ‘on and off’ relations a future?
You have your own life and with him or her you have the fireworks but not the burdens of a commitment. Maybe you have doubt if the real man or woman of your dreams exists, because you had so many relationships and it never turned out to be the right one. An of and on relationship can be very steady. Meanwhile you perhaps keep hoping that it ever becomes a real relationship.
There has to be a moment in which one of you confirms the relationship by saying “I really like you” this is real important, because that way you can check if the other one feels the same way. Does he or she keep a distance, you can draw your conclusions. Do you still want to go on with him/her you are not giving yourself a change to fall in love with someone else.
Point of view: an ‘on and off’ relation has a chance if you really express what you are feeling. This is scary but clear for both of you.